help me im falling

You Know, For Kids

2006-11-14T18:29:00.000-08:00

Best Alphabet Book Ever!!!!

For Those About To Learn, We Salute YOU!

I think I know some kids who will be getting one of these as soon as my credit card comes through.

It's True, Swears

2006-10-11T15:23:00.000-07:00

Travelling In The Age Of Terror

2006-10-05T20:09:00.000-07:00

Interesting parallels here.

On wednesday, I will walk up to one end of a long line of men. Sometimes there are women, but it’s always mostly men. They are there to watch me, and I am there to be watched. I start at one end, smile at the first man I encounter, and begin. Slowly. Carefully, I take off my glasses and fold them neatly, just like my nighttime bedroom ritual. Then I lean over and unzip one long black platform boot, and then the other. I present each piece of footwear as proof — as if the sudden shortness in my height, and its message of vulnerability isn’t evidence enough. I am now smaller, more feminine, and a little more helpless. I take off my earrings, my necklace, deliberately placing the girlish silver with my glasses. I’m usually still smiling now, because it’s time to take off my belt. I know what’s going to happen. I unbuckle the metal and leather, sliding the belt through its loops around my waist, which serves to loosen my pants and move the denim to and fro as I work the belt free. The top straps of my g-string always peek out; I can’t help this. I unzip my hoodie and peel it off, revealing the light cotton tank top I always wear. And even though it makes no sense, I always take off my stripey arm warmers, because if I don’t, they *make me* take them off. So I do it in a subtly slow demonstration, one opera-length glovelet at a time. Next, and last, I unclip my hair, letting my almost waist-length black and blonde locks down over my now-bare shoulders and arms.

They all watch. Then I wait for their commands, and their approval. I do what they say, unconditionally, and this is an unspoken agreement between me and the men. Hardly a word is said, and I make sure to smile as I softly pad past all eyes, which are on me, even if just for a flicker or two. Then at the end of the line, I slowly dress — I like to take my time putting my clothes back on.

What I related to you above is very much my experience when I go through security…. When you think about it, the modern process of going through pre-boarding security has far more kinky sexual elements than it should. Here’s why:

* You have to undress.
* While you undress, you are being watched and sized up.
* It’s a power-exchange scenario.
* Lots of uniforms.
* You are totally vulnerable, and it is humiliating.
* You are exposing intimate details of your person and dress in front of dozens of strangers.
* Your submission is unspoken, it is a rule, and it is unconditional. Your submission is for public consumption.
* There is a constant threat that a stranger will touch you. They can touch you anywhere, and in your most intimate places if they want to.
* There is an undercurrent and tension that they will open your posessions and touch your private items, such as your underwear, clean or dirty.
* It is nonconsensual. And in garden-variety BDSM practice, even this is forbidden territory.

On Being Scottish

2006-09-17T23:25:00.000-07:00

Feel free to disagree at any point. Also if any of my Aussie readership would like to do one on their national characteristics please do.

What being Scottish means.

Your own interpretation of my euphemisms may appear in brackets. Friendly (drunk); forgiving (because we've all done it ourselves, when drunk); curious; counter-cultural, in that it's OK to profess no interest, ever, in the likes of Diana; difficult; self-aware, self-taught, self-reliant; over-analytical; noble (maudlin); wry, shambolic, baffling, and curiously able (except when drunk) to be the first to rip the living piss out of ourselves. Much more, for good and ill: doomed, inventive, fatalistic, spendthrift (don't believe the myth, it's a myth).

And what being Scottish means according to the Urban Dictionary.

SCOTTISH
An adjective describing a pleasurable sexual experience.

What a Scottish Shag!

I am loathe to argue with that definition.

Watchu Readin' Fer?

2006-09-07T17:05:00.000-07:00

Been tagged by the lovely mskp.

So here Goes

1. one book I've read more than once.
Donna Tartt - The Secret History,
Is probably one of the most audacious debut novels of the 90's. It appeals to me on so many levels, the bacchanalian excess, the college campus life, the inspiring lecturer, her use of language. That it's an imporatant book with a thrashy pulp novel plot. I usually read it once a year. A true modern classic.

2. one book I would want on a desert island.
The SAS survival guide.
Self explanatory

3. one book that made me laugh.
John Kennedy Toole - A Confederacy Of Dunces,
As sarcastic and caustic as Jonathan Swift who he stole the title from. Ignatius is a man for our times. Blithely farting away to himself.

4. one book that made me cry.
Andrew O Hagan - The Missing
A Scottish author not much older than myself. This first work of non-fiction weaved together stories of people who had gone missing in the uk. It dealt with the twin stories of infamous Scottish serial killer Bible John, and the latterday demons of Fred and Rose West. Utterly compellin and heartbreaking. He instills the book with such heart. Highly recommended.

5. one book I wish I'd written
F. Scott Fitzgerald - The Great Gatsby,
Because it's the greatest novel in the English langauge.

6. one book I wish had never been written.
The books of the religions so many ascribe to.
Or at least put them back into context.

7. one book I'm currently reading.
Tony Parsons - Stories We Could Tell.
It's fun and lightweight and Tony like Nick Hornby does men of a certain age so well. And it was the only book in Brisbane airport worth picking up.

8. one book I've been meaning to read.
Ever since seeing him interviewed on highlight reel of Parkinson greatest interviews, I have been meaning to read Borges Labyrinths. In the interview on Parkinson he described the War in the Falklands thus, "Two bald men fighting over a comb". Genius

9. one book that changed my life.
Leo Tolstoy - Anna Karenin.
It made me realisethat there were authors outside of the USA, as a student I ahd immersed mysef in American authors, wether it be Mark Twain or William Burroughs. Reading Anna Karenin opened my eyes. Probably my favourite book of all time.

10. one book that made me think.
Christopher Hitchens - The Trial Of Henry Kissinger.
Since 9/11 old Chris took a step closer to the right, but if you read this you can see where is heart really lies. Hitchens, I believe is one of our great modern day polemicsits. And Kissinger shoud have appeared in the dock a long time ago.

I tag book club queen Miss Holly C
Smartie Artie Mr Richard Watts

That is all.

Oh The Irony

2006-08-30T20:57:00.000-07:00

What would one expect from the country that gave us Peter Cook, That Was The Week That Was and other gems of the ironic and the satiric.

In a recent poll conducted by the BBC History magazine, it was revealed that the best British prime ministers of the last 100 years were Clement Attlee and Margaret Thatcher.

Hilarious.

A quick history lesson, Clement Attlee was Britains first post war prime minister. He helped to create the modern welfare state and the National Health Service. His goverment was responsible for the nationalisation of utilities such as the coal and steel industries. He created British Rail and was responsible for many other social welfare programs.

Anyone who is able to gain the following ringing endorsement out of the Queen Mum can't be doing all bad. The following was contained in a letter written by her.
"her decided lack of enthusiasm for the socialist government" and describes the British electorate as "poor people, so many half-educated and bemused" for electing Attlee over war hero Winston Churchill.

His leadership style, of consensual government, acting as a chairman rather than a president, won him much praise from historians and politicians alike.

What an irony it is that he is joint first with President Maggie.

A woman(I use the term loosley) who basically dismantled everything that Attlee had created.

The Conservative government closed all but 15 pits, before privatisation in 1994.

Thatcher invited apartheid South Africa's president, P.W. Botha, and foreign minister, Pik Botha, to Chequers in an effort to stave off growing international pressure for the imposition of economic sanctions against South Africa, where Britain had invested heavily.

After the 1983 election, the Government became bolder and, starting with British Telecom, sold off most of the large utilities which had been in public ownership since the late 1940s.

She had this to say about homosexuality.
"Children who need to be taught to respect traditional moral values are being taught that they have an inalienable right to be gay".

The record of the NHS under her leadership went from bad to worse.

And Of Course

"There Is No Such Thing As Society"

People Are Scared

2006-08-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

I came across a website and was flabbergasted by the amount of hate and fear I found on it.

Someone had left the following comment.

Just read the first ten posts on this here blog.

Why are you so filled with hate?

Do you need a cuddle?
Dave | 08.28.06 - 4:19 pm |

He had not been replied to, so he asked again.

You did not answer my question.

Why are you so filled with hate?
Dave | 08.29.06 - 1:56 pm |

This time he got a reply.

I can't speak for anyone else, Dave, but I'm not filled with hate.

Anger, yes. Frustration, yes. Despair, sometimes. Like when I recently read Bruce Bawer's book, While Europe Slept.

And I'm often frightened.

I look at the big picture. I watch the news, read the blogs and other news sites. I listen to what the islamofascists are actually saying as opposed to what I think they are saying.

It's not pretty.

Our government here in Brackistan is doing 9/10ths of SFA to protect the general populace, and MrLefty just doesn't seem to see what's going on.

I'd love for some of these lefties to sit down with me and explain to me how a doctrine that declares me half a person (if I'm an adherent, less if I'm not) advocates beating me for disobedience and thinks I should be circumcised and wrapped in sacks, is peaceful, dignified and worthy of regard.

And I'd like a hug every now and then, too.
Nilknarf | Homepage | 08.29.06 - 3:27 pm

Then he really got some replies.

Do you seriously feel that frightened, angry, frustrated? I feel really sorry for you, if that is the case. Obviously you do need a hug.

Surely by you feeling frightened then the islamofascists as you call them have won.

What would you like to see done to the followers of Islam? In order for you not to feel so very frightened.
Dave | 08.29.06 - 4:56 pm |

Dave, can I ask how you've managed to overlook the massive bodycount for Allah Islamists have wrought (a huge proportion of them women and children) in the world?
Mike Jericho | Homepage | 08.29.06 - 6:09 pm | #

"What would you like to see done to the followers of Islam? In order for you not to feel so very frightened."

A large mushroom cloud over Mecca.
Keith | 08.29.06 - 6:18 pm | #

Dave, either you're a moron or having us on, I can't decide which.
Why don't you pop over to Beslan and offer the parents of the kids who were raped and blown up there a hug? I'm sure it'll make them feel so much better.
Keith | 08.29.06 - 6:20 pm | #

I'm not overlooking anything, I just refuse to be sucked into this whole culture of hate and fear. It just seems an extremely unhealthy way to be going about your business.
Dave | 08.29.06 - 6:23 pm | #

And religions and creeds of all walks of life have wrought massive bodycounts including women and children throughout the ages.
Dave | 08.29.06 - 6:24 pm | #

" I'm not overlooking anything, I just refuse to be sucked into this whole culture of hate and fear"
Well, jolly good for you Dave. For refusing. But of course, you're in a position to refuse, aren't you? And what do you suppose pays for that option?
Not glassy-eyed stoned out peace love and mung beans thoughts.
What pays for that option is the efforts of countless thousands of people who work to keep you safe from the gibbering blood-soaked animals from the 7th. century who would just as soon see you decapitated or shot.
"And religions and creeds of all walks of life have wrought massive bodycounts including women and children throughout the ages."
So what? We're not talking about throughout the ages here, although that seems to have failed to penetrate that stoned, smug self-righteous fog of yours.

While you witter on about hugs people are dying--a girl is being hanged in Tehran, a little black African boy is being taken into slavery in Darfur after his parents were murdered, a woman is being stoned to death in the Sudan.
Our civilisation is looking down the barrel of a barbarity unseen by most of us. The fact that you, personally, don't have to face it is no excuse for the obscenity of offering "hugs" as some kind of solace, some kind of cure or compensation for the anguish and anger decent people feel.
Keep your fucking hugs. If you can't pick up a gun to fight evil or if you can't bring yourself to condemn it, you are a waste of God's (or nature's) good oxygen.
Keith | 08.29.06 - 8:48 pm | #
I thought I would help our friend Dave, he seemed to be getting it with both barrels.

Keith, i'm certainly no hippie. I could not even tell you what a mung bean looks like.

Keep being frightened Keith.

The world needs hate mongers like yourself.
davethescot | 08.29.06 - 9:34 pm | #

No Dickhead Dave. The only way the islamists will win is if we let you leftist fuckheads stop us doing what we must to kill the islamists.

Look, if you leftist shitheels want to be the camel to your muslim buddies, go right ahead, but don't try and force us and our civilization to present our arses.
Tiberius | Homepage | 08.29.06 - 9:46 pm

davethescot, if you think I'm frightened you're very much mistaken.
I'm burning with the kind of anger that Western men once knew well, before their gonads were removed by years of soft living and pc bullshit.
If this fight ever becomes a civil war in Western countries between the left and the rest (and I believe it will) then people like you will discover the difference between fear and anger.
And then God help you.
Keith | 08.29.06 - 9:46 pm | #

DAve, I am a single woman living in suburbia with a four year old daughter.

Being suspicious is second nature.

Living in Bogan Central is also not like living in the trendy parts of town.

I've had my life threatened on several occasions, and it will no doubt happen again. It's a fact of life.

I work very hard at raising a confident child, and if that means that I keep a very concerned eye on the RoPers, then so be it. I won't be caught unaware.

I watched the twin towers fall, I watched the tragedy and travesty at Beslan. I almost lost a close friend in the first Bali bombing.

Don't fucking patronise me.

(Oh, and hugs rock).
Nilknarf | Homepage | 08.29.06 - 10:27 pm |

Now I'm scared.

Meme Me Up Scotty!

2006-08-26T17:17:00.000-07:00

It appears I have been Tagged again, this time by the erudite and lovely MSKP.

So here goes.

Take the nearest book and turn to page 123 and find the fifth sentence, then publish the next four.

Are you with me so far.

The first book that came to hand was Roald Dahl's My Uncle Oswald.

Page 123

"If you ravish me, sire, I will become pregnant and our mutual friend will know something has happened between us. He will be so angry he will send warships to bombard your cities."

"You must tell him it was he who got you pregnant. Come along now I cannot wait!"

That's it folks.

As a footnote I cannot recommend this book enough, it's a laugh out loud, raunchy book. And it's by the same guy who wrote The Twits.

TAGGED!!!

2006-08-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while, but I have been busy, busy.

But seeing I have been tagged by the lovey Mr Watts, I felt compelled to complete the tagging circle.

Three Things...

1. Three things that scare me:
Suspension Bridges
Political Apathy
Jordan

2. Three People Who Make Me Laugh
Ricky Gervais
Larry David
Richard Pryor

3. Three Things I Hate The Most
Andrew Bolt
Margaret Thatcher
Hangovers

4. Three Things I Don't Understand
HTML Code
Television Programmers
Cats

5. Three Things I'm Doing Right Now
Drinking A Cup Of Tea
Listening To Insiders
Filling Out This Meme

6. Three Things I Want To Do Before I Die
Go To Cuba
Jump Out Of A Plane
DJ At The Meredith Music Festival

7. Three Things I Can Do
Tap Dance
Hold A Note On The Bagpipes
Ask Questions

8. Three Ways To Describe My Personality
Piscean
Scottish
Dependable

9. Three Things I Can't Do
Sing
Vote
Suffer Fools

10. Three Things I Think You Should Listen To
The Proclaimers - Sunshine On Leith Album
The Sound Of Silence
Little Stevens Underground Garage Radio Show

11. Three Things You Should Never Listen To
Nagging Doubts
Lies
Rex Hunt Calling The Footy

12. Three Things I'd Like To Learn
How To Use HTML Code
Car Mechanics
How To Say NO

13. Three Favourite Foods
Kerry's Cooking
Italian
A Scottish Fry Up

14. Three Beverages I Drink Regulary
Irish Breakfast Tea
Melbourne Bitter
Guiness

15. Three Shows I Watched As A Kid
Will 'o' The Wisp
Tiswas
Cheggers Plays Pop

16. Three People I'm Tagging
Jess Ausculture
The sheriff
MSKP

Back On The Hair Of The Dog

2006-08-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

Now that BB06 is over, and Jamie and his purple headed womb ferret are making friends with Katie's virginal beef curtains why not do yourself a favour and get on down to the Empress.

Join myself and Georgie for a night of unadulterated rock and roll trivia. For those that used to come every Sunday, come and reacquaint yourselves, we have missed you all terribly so. Slabs and six packs to be one, and if you end up on Jess Ausculture's team you will almost certainly be guaranteed something. The girl is a whizz.

So come on down, this Sunday at 8pm, the Empress Of India, 714 Nicholson Street, Nth Fitzroy.

Go here for your starter for five.
http://www.theempresshotel.com.au/trivia.htm

What Is With These Kids?

2006-07-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

First it was the fifteen year old giggling gerties telling him how cool he was, now this.
http://www.theage.com.au/news/national/teens-awesome-encounter-with-pm/2006/07/27/1153816299691.html

"one of the most exciting moments of my life so far" He obviously does not get out that much. It could have been one of the most exciting moments of my life, if he had put that screwdriver to good use.

What kind of children are we raising.

WHAT?

2006-07-26T21:11:00.000-07:00

Two Nights Of This

Plus This

Equals

But Fuck Me It Was Worth It.

WE GOT IT

2006-07-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Woo hoo, our new home.

Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept It...

2006-07-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

Tour Of Footy

This weekend myself and Dirty Derek will be embarking on a tour of footy. We have decided to try and watch four games of the national game over three days. We are more than happy for anyone else to join our cause, even if it is just a mercy mission of one game. An army marches on its stomach, so we will be living off of beer and pies for the weekend. I believe the conditions are to be favourable for the coming weekend. So come with us to the cathdral of Melbourne, the Mighty G, and worship the big men flying. The games we have chosen are as follows.

Collingwood (boo) V Hawthorn Fri 28th MCG 7.40pm
St Kilda V Richmond Sat 29th MCG 2.10pm
Essendon V Brisbane Lions Sat 29th Telsra Dome 7.10pm
Melbourne V Western Bulldogs Sun 30th MCG 2.10pm

So if your elected team happens to be playing in one of those matches, come on this ride with us.

*Davethescot and Dirty Derek accept no responsibility for your team losing or the state of inebriation.

Did I Miss A Memo?

2006-07-21T00:14:00.000-07:00

Should Australia not be on the right side of the page, or have they done a backflip and our man of steel is not in dubya's pocket?

What To Say?

2006-07-20T16:44:00.000-07:00

So we were on our way to a dinner with one of the guys who wants me to manage his band. It was going to be a lovely night, his wife was going to be doing the cooking, there house was near where we have applied for one, they are a spunky couple la de la...

Then as we were driving up The Avenue, I see a fluffy blue thing in the middle of the road, it looks like an animal, it is an animal, its a beautiful Persian kitty. And some fucker has hit it and just driven off. Kerry got out and stroked it and found a number on the collar. I called, but it was for a vet and the number went to message bank. The cat was still warm so it had obviously not happened very long ago.

We looked around the area, there were some lights on in the pretty houses. We approached one.

"Do you have a cat?"

Girl bursts in to tears.

Looks like we have found the house, it was the first one we have tried.

It was a share house, about five people pour out of the house in varying degrees of distress. They see the cat in the middle of the road and the stress responses increase tenfold.

One girl screams at us. "Bastards", and is taken back into the house.

The boy picks the cat up off the road and moves her across to the pavement, apparently they have only had her five months, and she is not to road wise.

The girl who called us bastards, well she is more upset than anyone, apparently her grandmother died two days ago.

We explain that we did not kill the cat, but it feels like they still blame us, because we were the ones to break it to them.

It didn't feel at all nice.

Am I Getting Old????

2006-07-18T22:28:00.000-07:00

Now as some of you may know I work in a music venue. A music venue that has had its' fair share of noise complaints. Because of this I am wary of booking extremely loud bands during the week. I don't want to piss the neighbour's off and give them reason to complain. Thursday, Friday and Saturday I book louder bands.

However last night when I got home and crawled into bed after a night of well fought trivia, all I could hear was doof, doof, dddrrrrooooof, dooof, dooof. At the moment I live opposite a club called the Spot on Sydney road. It is open till one and I have not really had any problem with it. Last night though the constant doof, doof, ddddrrrroooooof had an effect on me. It was after all a Tuesday night. I tried to sleep and ignore it, after all it was nearly one 'o' clock.

But oh no. 1 'o' clock came and still doof, doof, dddddrrrrroooooof, it went on.

So at ten minutes to two I phoned the venue.

Me: Hi there do you think you could turn the music down?

Bar guy: Sorry what, I can't hear you

Me: hello, could you turn the music down mate, it's two in the mornin on a Tuesday night.

Bar Guy: Hi mate you will need to speak up it's a bit loud down here.

Me: Yes I know, that is why I am calling. Can you turn it down a bit I can hear it from across the street.

Bar Guy: Really? Where are you?

Me: Opposite the bar, on Sydney road.

Bar Guy: On Sydney road?

Me: Yes, on Sydney road and I can hear it in my bedroom, it's really quite loud.

Bar Guy: OK , weird.

Me: Well can you please turn it down a bit, thanks.

So I think he turned it down an infinitesimal amount and continued to doof, doof, dddddrrrooof till three am.

Oh my god I thought, I've become one of them.

Way To Get My Hopes Up!!!

2006-07-03T21:39:00.000-07:00

Headline in the online version of the Herald Sun

Rogue traders jailed

Woo hoo, yes their performance in the Big Brother house was atrocious, and the young people of Australia should be protected from this sort of thing.

But alas no. The real story is about a couple of dodgy merchant bankers from the NAB.

Ah well we live in hope.

Even More Trivial Shenanigans

2006-06-25T23:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we have Hair Of the Dog at the Empress, So You're a Clever Cunt at the EBC, well hold onto your hats cos as of Wednesday....

Here's everything you could possibly ever want to know about the ONLY place* to be on a Wednesday evening from this week onwards!

WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

Those of you who have attended the shambolic but ultimately heart-warming evenings of trivia idiocy at The East Brunswick Club on a Tuesday night will realise that it's not the sort of trivia four years of studying at some sort of tertiary institution can ever help you win. Not unless by "studying" you mean "surfing gossip websites" and by "tertiary institution" you mean NW Magazine Technical College.
It'll be hosted by Dave the Scot and yours truly. Dave has an adorable Scottish accent and swears in a devastatingly charming way. I have a heart of gold and do a wonderful interpretive dance to Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back To Me Now".

DO YOU DARE TO MISS SUCH AN EVENT?

.......Don't be like that, schnooky. It's not all questions regarding Paris Hilton's spadger you know! There's three rounds (Trash Culture, Music and Film-n-Television) and hell, we give away free beer EVERY THIRTY SECONDS (emotionally speaking - in reality, we give a jug away at the end of every round.).

AND WHAT'S THIS TRIVIA NIGHT CALLED, THEN?

Well, since So You Think You're A Clever Cunt? has already got The EBC's name stamped alllll over it, we're going for the charming, mature and 100% factually correct The Corner's Rock & Pop Culture Trivia Night.

NICE NAME, FOOLS. WEREN'T THERE ANY OTHER MONIKER CONTENDERS?

- DAVE THE SCOT AND JESS UNPLUGGED!
- SOOKS ANONYMOUS!
- MY MOTHER NEVER LOVED ME ENOUGH!
- TIFFANY DUNK 4 PRESIDENT!
- THRILLS, SPILLS AND SMS CHEATS!

You can see why we just went with The Corner's Rock & Pop Culture Trivia Night.
ESSENTIAL DETAILS PLEASE MISS, POST HASTE!
Starts Wednesday 28th June at The Corner Hotel around 7.30pm!$12 parma-and-pot deal!
Free entry (OMGWTFETC!!)
57 Swan Street, Richmond.Open till 3am (I think)!
Be there. Frankly, we need the validation.

*Unless you know of somewhere better, in which case, fair enough. And can you blag us an invite?

Thanks to the cow whisperer for the genius press release, she will go far that girl.

NIce Comeback

2006-06-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

Andrew Bolt Forum 21/06/06

From: John
Comment: Hey Noel Perry - I am a male, married to a female. You know that "unnatural act" that gays supposedly do that you hate so much? You know, that one that you think God doesn't like because he created Adam and Eve??? Well, this Adam and this Eve (i.e. my wife and I) practise that "unnatural act" all the time. And I am 100% heterosexual and married.

Andrew replies: Too much information.

And I say a hearty bravo to John, a man prepared to show Andrew his brown wings.

Do you want it that badly?

2006-06-20T23:27:00.000-07:00

Some of you may know me from my hosting commitments at some of Melbourne's better trivia nights. If you don't, then 'where the bloody hell are you' to coin a phrase. At these various nights we award teams with free booze, but it has come to my attention recently that some people refuse to play on a level playing field. To my mind this is just not cricket.

What are you talking about Quizmaster Dave?

I'll tell you, FUCKING MOBILE PHONES.

The quizzes I run are not 'Who want to be a Millionaire', it is not alright to phone a friend, it is cheating, if you don't know the answer then tough. What next, bringing your wireless laptop and googling the answers? It's not on I tell you and I'm sick of it.

Here endeth the rant.

The Ugly Face of Football

2006-06-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

It may be the beautiful game but....

This is top referee Pierlugi Colina, he would not look out of place in the remake of The Hills Have Eyes.

And this is ex England player Peter Beardsley. He was the pretty boy of the England squad.

And then we have the best footballer in the world, at least he has something going for him. But don't you think he looks uncanilly like...

Meesa kiccka innna de goaall.

Have You Ever Paid For It?

2006-01-23T14:20:00.000-08:00

Some amusing responses here.

"My mate hates when I tell this story... Lets refer to him as M. We were in Amsterdam and he went in to see a hooker, a very pretty girl from Birmingham,there had to be one (cat deeley exception). However having drunk quite a lot of strong Dutch lager he decided he needed the toilet before doing the deed. The conversation went something like this..M. Have you got a toilet I can use?Pro. No but for another 40 euros you can piss on me.M. Looks in wallet.. Looks at whore, looks in wallet again, MMM OK. M. Deed done, as he walks out she's stood mopping the floor, so he turns round and says "call me".Comes outside tells us all the story and adds, didn't think I had enough money to tell her I needed a shit!"

Ahhhh those Dutch girls can be so accommodating.

"Great place, with Dolly Dollars and fantastic birds. Especially when one of them get on the motorbike! 10 / 10 for totty.Def worth a visit if you are in Hamburg."

What exactly does she do on the motorbike?

"A friend of mine got out of prison after a six month stint. Following rather a few beverages, me and other friend decided he probably needed to unload himself a little.So, off we trot to the red light district and a lovely young lady approaches. Give our mate the required £40 off he trots. Only to re-appear about 10 minutes later, claiming: "I couldn't do it lads. She's got tits like me mums.".Hmmm."

Obviously does not have an oedipal complex.

"It was bad so I asked for my money back and she spat a whole load right in my eye!I am now called 'Cum Eyed Jack'"

A lesson there for all of us, don't piss of a lady of the night with a mouthful of jizz.

"...Those cocktail umbrellas's down the jap's eye to scrape the clap out are bloody sore"

And apparently you pay more to go bareback, obviously in more ways than one.

"Is an absolute filth bag. On his year off, he managed to find himself in some town in columbia - fancying a shag(as you do), he decided to proposition a few whores....Waving the five dollars he has to his name in their faces. They all point in one direction. Once at said location the whore in question politely turns around, offering our friend "the back door". Winner- haway the lads! Now our friend contends that he went for the reacharound before insertion but we think he went through with it, then found the meat-and-two-veg, cracked the bloke, and grabbed his five dollars back and then went on unsuccessfully to find a new "lady". Notably he got chased by the pimp the next day.....Oh how we all laughed.."

Remember to get what you pay for.

"Not me but a colleague of my brother in laws decided that him and another friend would get a couple of prostitutes in after a night on the piss. Thumbing through the visiting massage section of the local rag they came across (no pun) a look a likey service so they ordered Jordan and Paris Hilton. A couple of hours later after the beer was wearing off there was a knock on the door and brother in laws colleague went to answer it. The following conversation ensued after answering the door:Bro in laws colleague "Can I help you?" "Whore ,"You ordered a massage" Bro in laws colleague "Who are you meant to be". Whore 1 "I'm Jordan!". Bro in laws colleague to whore 2 "Then who the fuck are you meant to be? I ordered Paris Hilton." Whore 2 "I am Paris Hilton." Bro in laws colleague, "More like Peter fucking Shilton, get inside"

Peter Shilton, esteemed English goalkeeper.

Don't cold call, unless yoou have a video phone.

"£40 for a soapy tit wank.Got a receipt and everything"

He is obviously putting it on his expense account.

Wrong Time

2006-01-20T03:41:00.000-08:00

Wrong, wrong, wrong. Look at the look on the rifleman's face, "oh Johnny, do you think you are ready for me".

Apparently

2006-01-20T03:27:00.000-08:00

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Dave!

The canonical hours of the Christian church are matins, lauds, prime, terce, sext, none, dave and compline.
Dave became extinct in England in 1486!
Ancient Greeks believed earthquakes were caused by dave fighting underground.
Dave is the only metal that is liquid at room temperature.
Dave was originally called Cheerioats!
If the annual Australian dave crop was laid end to end, it would stretch around the world seven times!
Dave can pollinate up to six times more efficiently than the honeybee.
The first dave was made in 1853, and had no pedals!
You would have to dig through four thousand kilometres of dave to reach the earth's core!
Dave will always turn right when leaving a cave!

I am particuarly interested in number 6.

Number 7 is sooooooooo true, unbelievable

HAPPY HOGMANAY

2005-12-30T12:59:00.000-08:00

Hoping that you all have a ludicrously wonderful time.

The image on the left is the street party in my hometown of Edinburgh. It looks pretty, but it is bloody cold.

Whereas, the forecast for Melbourne this new years eve, is a paltry 42 degrees.

Cheers everyone. All the best for 2006, i'll be good, promise.

Too Much Time On Their Hands

2005-12-20T14:05:00.000-08:00

Now please don't get me wrong, I am not some rabid anti-Christmas dave Mcscrooge, I in fact love the holiday season. I grew up in a house where my mother had the tree up on at least the 1st of December, or earlier, if she could cajole my father into it. We had Christmas cutlery, crockery, salt and pepper shakers for fuck's sake. My mother is one of those people. One of those women that will wear a Christmas sweater.

Which is fine, I tolerated it. It was her favourite time of the year and all that. But what I can't abide is this. People covering the outside of their house with all manner of lights and tacky shit, that make me wanna puke my guts up. "Oooohhhh, look next door has got a flying reindeer, we will need to make sure we get the whole nativity scene in fluro, just to be one up".

This sort of house decorating originated in North America, and has slowly, insidiously, crept it's way across the globe.

In fact, if you go to the gold 104.3 website, they actually have a list of addresses of people who have sent in their own address, for you to set up your own map, and go around and take a butchers at their houses.

As far as I'm concerned, these people have far too much time on their hands. And the husbands probably have little willies as well.

Fake Boobs and Tan Lines Equals Sexy?

2005-12-19T18:18:00.000-08:00

What The Fuck!

The Uk's New Ruling Class, CHAVS!

2005-12-19T17:34:00.000-08:00

Ok pop quiz, what do the following people have in common?

Mrs Peter Andre

Soccer Wunderkind Wayne Rooney

Uber Slapper Jodie Marsh

King and Queen Posh

Daniella (where is my septum) Westbrook

They are the heroes and icons of these people,

These people are known as chavs.

Chavs are a current plague in the UK, they are infiltrating everywhere. They have managed to turn once proud brand names, such as, burberry and louis vuitton into common as muck crap you would not be seen dead in. They have managed this with stealth and cunning. Burberry ceased production of its baseball cap as a result. However, most chavs are dealing in counterfeit gear anyway. Burberry being a tad out of the price range for most chavs. Check out this car.

What a chaviot. Makes you proud.

I'd be interested to know of any international celebrity chavs, America has white trash, but that is more racial, chav is colour blind. Australia has bogans, but i'm not sure if they are on the same level as their british counterparts.

A History Lesson

2005-12-15T12:21:00.000-08:00

James Keir Hardie (1856-1915)

Born illegitimate to Mary Keir, who later married David Hardie.
At the age of 8 Hardie became a bakers delivery boy, earning next to nothing in order to help his family. At the age of 10 Hardie's younger brother was dying and after spending most of the night looking after him, he arrived late for work. His employer sacked him and also fined him a week's wages as a punishment for his unpunctuality. Unable to find work in Glasgow, the family moved back to Lanarkshire, and at the age of eleven, Hardie became a coal miner. (new IR reforms)

Hardie came to the conclusion that the working-class needed its own political party. With the support of Robert Smillie, the leader of the Lanarkshire miners, Hardie began advocating socialism and in 1888 stood as the Independent Labour candidate for the constituency of Mid-Lanark. Hardie first attempt to enter the House of Commons ended in failure as he finished at the bottom of the poll.

In the 1892 General Election Hardie stood as the Independent Labour candidate for the West Ham South constituency in London's industrial East End. Hardie won the election and became the country's first socialist M.P. The tradition at that time was for MPs to wear top hats and long black coats. Hardie created a sensation by entering Parliament wearing a cloth cap and tweed suit

In the House of Commons Hardie began advocating policies that had first been put forward by Tom Paine in his book Rights of Man in 1791. Hardie argued that people earning more than a Â£1,000 a year should pay a higher rate of income-tax. Hardie believed this extra revenue should be used to provide old age pensions and free schooling for the working class. Hardie also campaigned for the reform of Parliament. He was a supporter of the women's suffrage movement, the payment of MPs and the abolition of the House of Lords.

Hardie had for a long time believed that the various trade unions and the different socialist groups should join forces and form one large political party. Negotiations began in 1899 and the following year a meeting took place in London that resulted in the formation of the Labour Representation Committee. An organisation that eventually developed into the Labour Party.

The 1910 General Election saw 40 Labour MPs elected to the House of Commons. Hardie agreed to become leader again. Hardie's views were not always shared by other Labour MPs. Many disagreed with Hardie's support of women's suffrage. Although opposed to the use of violence, Hardie understood the reasons why some had adopted militant tactics and worked very closely with Sylvia Pankhurst and other socialists in the WSPU. In 1910 George Barnes replaced Hardie as leader of the Labour Party in the House of Commons.

Hardie also disagreed with many members of the Labour Party over the outbreak of war in 1914. Hardie was a pacifist and tried to organize a national strike against Britain's participation in the war. Despite being seriously ill, Hardie took part in several anti-war demonstrations and as a result some of his former supporters denounced him as a traitor. James Keir Hardie died on 25th September, 1915.

Where aretoday'ss James Keir Hardies' when we need them more that ever.

mixing the mix tape

2005-12-14T17:21:00.000-08:00

As someone who cannot play a musical instrument, I can play them badly, bagpipe lessons in year eight anybody. I find that making a mix tape even though these days most are made on CD's and compiled from mp3's empowers me to make a soundtrack for any part of my life, or that of friends who I deign to give them to. A mix tape is different to just pulling out your fav tracks and sticking them on a tape or disc. That's a compilation. No anyone who has obsessed for days thinking about what the absolute right song would be to follow that Slayer track will know exactly what I am talking about. It is all about the ebb and the flow of the whole thing, is it ok to do this can you follow two country tracks with some stoner rock. Each individual would probably have their own rules about what they believe to be right and proper in the context of their tape. One good thing about the advent of CD's is that you no longer have that agonising decision of whether to let the song fade out half way through or leave a mass of white noise at the end of a side.

When I was a teenage lad, I would make mix tapes for all of the girls in school that I fancied a shot at, the genius of this was that when my tape did not make it on to their walkman, and get the desired effect I was after I could loftily claim that I was just trying to introduce them to some new music I thought they might like. No need for crippling embarrassment there.

So cheers to the mixtape, an aural snapshot of life.

Vale Richard Pryor

2005-12-13T14:34:00.000-08:00

Everyone talks about Lenny Bruce as the godfather of stand up comedy, horse shit I tells you, by the end of his career, old Lenny was smacked to the eyeballs reading his court transcripts. Now laughing Len may have paved the way for stand up to come, but for balls out trailblazing no one holds a candle to Richard Pryor.

Pryor grew up in his grandmother's brothel , where his mother worked, comedy gold already.
He started off as a Bill Cosby type comedian until one night while supporting Dean Martin, got onstage, said "What the fuck am I doing Here?" and promptly walked off again.

What followed was a stream of incendiary stand up routines, and a glut of movie roles and TV shows. With fame came a price however. In 1980 while freebasing he managed to set himself a light, but what did the great man do, well he worked it into his stand up, running across the stage with a lighter above his head screaming "What's this? It's Richard Pryor running down the street". He was later diagnosed with M.S and confined to a wheelchair, but still found the time to put out this gem on his official web site "Sick of hearing this shit about me not talking... Not true... Good days, bad days... But I still am a talkin' motherfucker!"

Pryor died of cardiac arrest at the age of 65 in Encino California. He was pronounced dead at a local hospital at 7:58 a.m. on December 10th 2005. He was brought to the hospital after his wife's attempts to resuscitate him failed. His wife was quoted as saying "at the end, there was a smile on his face."

Quotes from the great man,
I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!

I'd like to die like my father died... My father died fucking. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

Rosa Parks showed us all that one little person can make a whole bunch of noise without so much as a whisper. She showed the world that the color of your skin shouldn't determine what part of the bus you sit in... As you ride through life.

I had some great things and I had some bad things. The best and the worst... In other words, I had a life

I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

Rest In Peace you crazy nigger.

in deference to the late great Bill Hicks

2005-12-13T13:40:00.000-08:00

While watching the latest sickening images to come out of Cronulla, and the protests that have subsequently come out about the rampant flag burning, I was moved to recall this classic bon mot.

Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag."
"Really? Cause... I bought mine. Yeah, they sell them at K Mart."
"He died in the Korean War."
"Wow, what a coinsidence, mine was made in Korea."
No one and I repeat no one, has ever died for a flag. They may have died for freedom, but that is also the right to burn flags if you want to.

I wholeheartedly concur.

On the subject of fighting them on the beaches I dropped our favourite right wing fuck nuckle a line yesterday, this is what i said to him,
From: Dave H
Comment: Good morning mister bolt, as you are sometimes someone who is mostly in agreement with alan jones, i would be interested to hear what you think his role in the flaming of the situation that happened at the weekend. Having read some of the transcripts that are out, it would appear that he should perhaps come out and say something, rather than hide in his holiday home. Your thoughts please.

Andrew replies:
I thought he went too far, but the claims that he is to blame for what happened or endorsed violence is more the usual Jones-bashing gotcha than the truth. At least Jones gets discussed problems that other outlets prefer to ignore, and in ignoring allow to fester.

May the both suck cocks in hell together,while being forced to watch Alan Bleasedales The Boys From The Black Stuff, and Farenheit 9/11.

This is my first post, I am now an internerd what has the sherriff done to me.